The Middle

Last time I felt like this was when the closest thing that Gideon has had to a real father came along. When I was pregnant, I felt beyond alone. I remember sobbing uncontrollably because I felt so alone, crying out to God, saying, "I don't know why you think I can handle this, because I can't. I'm weaker than you think." Except for a select few, I can say that most of my friends deserted me during that time. I did feel let down. God became by rock. Then I found a kindred spirit, someone who also felt on the outskirts, and a friendship slowly began. I'm always the first to say that I didn't even like him at the beginning. I thought he was a weirdo. But when you spend enough sleepless nights on the phone with someone, your heart grows very close to that person, and eventually, there's that pivotal moment where that person does something above and beyond and you realize that you are in fact, in love. For me that moment happened after a very rough night, I was feeling very hurt by people that I had thought were my friends and he called me and listened while I cried (oh the tears of a 7 month pregnant woman) and he opened up to me and trusted me with his feelings. After that 4-5 hour phone call was when I stood in my kitchen and said out loud, "Ugh. I love him", shook my head and sighed. Our lives were complicated. We thought we were broken. But God can make whole the broken. And that's just what he began to do.

Isolation

My son is probably my best friend. Sometimes I just cry because I just love this child so much that my heart just might burst at any moment.

As a single mom, I've struggled with feelings of isolation. I'm constantly feeling like I'm in the School of Moms, surrounded by all of these cliques, none of which I fit into. Although I've always struggled with making friends, my difficulties have been magnified through motherhood. I don't even know where to start when it comes to making friends. I just don't seem to fit in with most "Mommy Groups". I don't know if it's because I'm a single mom and constantly feeling like I'm not as good as the moms who chose their motherhood instead of having it thrust upon them (although, I would never change the way things happened and will not hesitate to say that having a baby saved my life). I usually feel like I'm being looked down on or don't know what I'm doing. I see myself struggling with feelings of jealousy towards other moms because they seem to fit in so well. I hate feeling isolated.